My official website is a dead zombie duck wandering the internet wasteland looking for brains and finding none, especially on facebook. This blog was started as a random drawing/story project about proto feminist zombies...er yeh seemed like a good idea at the time. Now it is just a blog about my art in general with the occasional feminist zombie thrown in
Monday, 11 March 2013
So Polly had to get a dead end job to pay her way, she ended up in an ice cream van. So there she was reading astrophysics books between serving screaming brats ice cream, needless to say it was very, very, very depressing. Her days were filled with endless hours of boredom were nothing happened followed by crazy mad rushes of kids screaming at her for lolly pops and sweets, she also had to put up with being stung to pieces by swarms of wasps attracted to all the sugar in the air. She almost hated the f***ing wasps as much as the drooling, bad mannered kids, but worst of all was the ineffectual stupid parents who allowed their little 'darlings' to run riot. The parents would occasionally try to put a little discipline into the screaming monsters, only to instantly give up and give in to the brats demands for more chocolate or whatever will shut them up for five minutes. Sadly all the sugar only made the brats more cantankerous and even more horrible to be around. The only consolation was that at the end of the day Polly could go home to a little piece and quiet, were as the parents would be trapped in this living hell for another 20 years at the very least.
Things took an unusual turn one seemingly ordinary thursday afternoon. Polly had just finished what seemed like the longest hour of her life serving awful families and was cleaning down the equipment when she heard an unusual buzzing noise emanating from the rubbish bin next to her van. Knowing she had to empty the bin eventually she ventured over to get it over with. Opening the bin she was met with something of a shock, instead of a few wasps as she had expected there was just one giant wasp laying on top of the rubbish staring back at her. The beast was about a foot from head to tail and looked greenish yellow in colour, it stank to high heaven of rotten flesh and was oozing some kind of thick liquid from its giant ugly wasp face. Polly let out a scream and recoiled in horror slamming the bin lid down, unfortunately this only served to piss the wasp off no end. Even more unfortunate for Polly this wasp was clearly no ordinary insect, it had stung an unsuspecting zombie who had been quietly eating some poor souls guts a bit too close to a rubbish bin on a warm summers day. That's right, it was a zombie wasp, no really it was. The beast flew full speed towards Polly who was by this point scrambling for the safety of the van, she just managed to dive in and shut the window as the wasp slammed into the side door. Polly got into the back of the van for a better view of the thing, she couldn't believe what she was seeing, surely this couldn't be natural. She felt quite safe to view the wasp from behind the glass, who was flying a mad circle around the van, but she had underestimated the wasp's strength. It took a large run up and flew as fast as it could straight towards the glass window, it smashed through in a shower of razor sharp shards and bit down on Polly's face. She fell back and crashed to the floor, the wasp began repeatedly stabbing her in the chest with it's giant stinger, injecting her with massive quantities of zombie wasp venom. Polly only just managed to summon the strength to punch the wasp and then kick it back away from her. She grabbed the nearest thing to her which just happened to be an astrophysics book and slammed it full force down onto the wasp's head. Thankfully astrophysics happens to be a very, very difficult heavy subject, which requires very heavy large books to explain what the flip is going on at the event horizons of black holes, so as it turns out, makes the perfect weapon when dealing with over sized zombie wasps. The wasp's head exploded in a shower of green ooze and Polly passed out on the floor.
Waking up a few hours later it was clear that everything was not okay, Polly took a look at her face in the reflection of the ice cream machine's metallic surface and let out a quiet whimper. Her hair had fallen out in clumps, while her skin had turned into a running ooze of puss. She no longer had a nose and one of her eyes was lolling on her cheek. She'd never considered herself pretty but this was just the last bloody straw! If it hadn't been for this stupid job she would never have been here in the first place, rightly or wrongly the first thing that she blamed was the middle class parents and their hateful offspring. She wanted revenge, revenge for all the wasted hours and days spent thanklessly serving these over indulged jerks. If she was doomed to be a walking dead retail zombie for the rest of her life then those f***ers were going to suffer too.
Grabbing a marker pen and ripping a piece of card off one of the ice cream cone boxes she made a crude sign. The sign read: Free ice cream for children under ten. She then scrambled into the front of the van and searched around in the glove box, it had to be there or the plan wouldn't work at all. She found what she was looking for and brought it into the back of the van. She pulled the undead wasps body off the floor and dropped it into the ice cream machine, then bit all the fingers off her right hand and laid them out one by one in the chocolate flake box. Next she pulled out the eye that was hanging limply on her cheek and placed it on the counter, she then emptied out a bottle of strawberry sauce and filled it with her own zombie blood. Finally she took the tub of hundred and thousand sprinkles and emptied it into the bin and filled it with skin gratings from her arms. Surveying what she had done and feeling satisfied she placed on her face a rabbit mask that her boss had made her wear over easter to get the kids to buy more ice cream. At the time it had been a humiliating addition to what was a already garish uniform, and she had thrown it into the glove box as soon as easter was over, but now it would be the perfect disguise to hide her rotten zombie face.
The first parents wandered by and didn't notice the sign, the kids however homed in on the words like rabid zombies home in on a brain buffet. They began to scream and shout that they wanted ice cream, when this didn't immediately work they simply dropped to the floor and kicked and screamed until the parents gave in. The parents stayed where they were and sent the kids over, Polly served them the best most disgusting virus infested ice creams the world has ever seen, complete with zombie blood topping and finger flakes. The kids happily skipped off tucking into their plagued 99 cones laughing and making fun of the silly rabbit lady and her halloween ice creams. This went on all afternoon until Polly had no ice cream left to give away, she sat down happy in the knowledge that very soon the horrible monster children she had had to put up with all summer would soon be turning into real life horrible monster zombie children and ripping their ineffectual middle class parents limb from limb. She opened her book and started to read about the theory of general relativity with a big smile on her face and thought about maybe taking the van for a spin and running some people over...